barbara walters just said penis...
you traded sex for a burrito?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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