Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
