My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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