just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
