Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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