It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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