One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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