her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
