nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
