We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
