is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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