My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
