Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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