hotel room ftw
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
