I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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