I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
