Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
