The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
