I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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