wat bout pragnant strippers??
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
