you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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