I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
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