i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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