yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Send help, water and tortillas.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
