I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Randomize
