I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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