Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
