I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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