The maid of honor just puked.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
