she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
