when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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