Welp...herpes.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
