Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
