This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
