In the future we'll all be gay
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
