Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
