Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
