my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Randomize
