So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
This toilet bowl is my home.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
