Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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