Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
