Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
