I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
