Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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