I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
