He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Randomize
