I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
