There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
