I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
