I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
