I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
