I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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